Brain Loop 2: Why don’t I write Music Anymore?

4 minute read

I wonder, if the reason I can’t write the music I hear in my head, is because I quit formally writing music and learning theory when I had the largest piece I had written marked U in A2, because my teachers neglected to tell me at any point before the final week, that there was a spec that described the types of music to write.

Come to think of it, I haven’t traditionally written one bar of music ever since and that was something I loved doing. I already realised that I stopped playing instruments for 4 years and I haven’t really taken once seriously since due to that incident, althought was more in to writing than playing music then. It took me time to get back into doing any kind of music, and I still struggle with it, but not a day goes by where I don’t hear the music in my head and wonder, why I haven’t I learn to write this down or even mock up / rough record that sound yet?

The real reason is that I didn’t have enough self-esteem at the time to take that blow of A2 to the chin. I let it break me down, to the point where I changed my uni corse and rather than doing a Dual Honors in Music Technology and Computer Science, the sole reason I chose my University. I did single Computer Science in the end. I did flirt with music, but never more than a 15 second thing that sounded like it came from some early Newgrounds flash video.

But I am getting over that now, the last 4 years I have made quite a bit of music, I just never share it, as Telyn pointed out.

To me it is all disjointed ideas, rough recordings, or just plain messing around, but it’s fun and I want to do more. I’m struggling again through, it’s like picking a scab and while it happens less, the same want of recognition is there, even if it is just with in the circle of people I know.

That feels like the trick though. The classic trap for people who can’t believe in themselves, be happy with themselves and can actually spend them with themselves. You know, if you just let yourself back in to what feels like a world of fantasy, one where you can have questionless faith in yourself, even the hard times and the self-disciplie you need to push through what you don’t know, or what you’re still learning to do, won’t seem as hard as they do now. And surely some improvement is better than none?

Yet, it’s easier to find that one GIF you can never find when the rare moment pressents itself. You know that one right? That one then when sent over the many, many messaging services that make IRC, ICQ, AIM Yahoo!, and MSN Messenger look like the correct amount of messaging systems, should serve the funniest GIF of the day in some kind of unspoken battle of who can express themselves the most in a battleground that only the internet can provide.

The internet provides generously. There are many arenas, many different parcipants, but everyone is jostling to educate, debate, care and learn but at the end of the day, we all know that one GIF that people remember, is the real reason we are all in a group chat somewhere or social network. However if you’re not, you really should be! Find the like minded, let the unwritten rules of culture be written and embrase the foundry that exsits only to birth something that doesn’t exist in gentics.

Though, also like the carriers of our offspring, these small clutures contains a part of us. They are small but complex creatures, weak without care, but always has the possibility of fulrishing in more conciouss minds that you could imagine and living longer than you ever will. They traverse a longer time period and speak for years to come. That is the final reward of discorse, the first being the minds of other people, the second being the hearts of other people.

Allowing yourself to belive such rethoric has to make it easier to believe in yourself. But it could also turn you blind to traits that could have undesirable concequences. A fine balance as always, Young children, seem to be able to be able to lose them selves in such thinking, assuming they have stable lives. That is childhood inoccence, that is what you lose as that balace gets swayed back and forth and day that balance is disturbed.

it’s hard to regain a state of innocence after it has been shattered for you. That innocence contains you and in that moment you change. Maybe you have less confidence. Maybe you have less self-esteem. Maybe the world just got a little harder to have faith in. The loss must be proportional to the event that caused it and the effects if not treated must linger. This means that over time even smaller losses of innocence can create a large loss.

What do you lose of yourself? What do you gain? I’m sure from experience, that is what varies the most between people and that is probably where genetics will play it’s part, either amplifying or attenuating the effects of such, mental truma I guess?

So my original point? I didn’t really have one. I just feel that if I can identify, accept, move on and start learning again. I can write the music that is playing in my head, in all the styles that I can imagine, and I would not have to think about wow I love this thing in my head, but I’m so out of practice writing music. Why is that still?

Well you know the rest. I think this brain loop is over.

Semi-related link of the day as a result of this brain loop: Quora: What Is Social Discorse. What Are Some Examples